The Freak Out

I had a really rough week last week. I won't reveal details, but I was uncharacteristically stressed out and it showed.

Before my week from hell, things were going great. I finally had a grip on my life in general and thought things with a certain guy were moving in the right direction (even if it had barely been a week since we started talking). He called and said the right things and even seemed to be okay with me not sleeping with him right away.

Except I had a freak out and I told him about one (of more than one) issue I was having and why I was stressed. He seemed fine and normal but never called back that night. Concerned, I texted him the next day and apologized for my wacky behavior. He said he was worried about me and that was it. Never to be heard from again.

A guy friend of mine from school informed me never to freak out. That would obviously raise a red flag that I'm totally psycho. My girlfriends reassured me that I was justified in my freakout, but I still can't help to think that's why he disappeared. It's unfortunate that he experienced me flip, since it was probably the only time I'll do so all year. Or at least to this extent. But I guess I expected too much to think my freak out was justified. Am I just another crazy girl?

The Rebounder

Lord knows I'm not one for relationships. But a few weeks ago I started talking to a guy who recently got out of a very serious relationship. Let's just say a lot of plans had to be canceled when they broke up and I'm sure their families lost a deposit or two. I can't even wrap my head around being in such a committed relationship.

I know minor details about their breakup, but from what I understand from secondary sources, he is still having a pretty tough time with the whole situation. While out at the bar on Sunday, he told me he got pretty upset while talking to one of our mutual friends and wanted to tell me before she did. I asked if it was the ex and he told me yes, and I basically told him I didn't want to know. He then looked at me sincerely upset, and alluded to how many years they went out. I frankly would rather be spared any further information.

But he has tapered off on calling, and I'm sure it could be for a number of reasons. Though I probably somehow screwed up (like always) I think the guy on the rebound is like a whole new species. After being tied down for so long, he probably wants to explore every option (and every p****) that's willing. Do I want to be one of many? Not so much. But I can't say I blame him. I just have to remember that although we may have some very real chemistry, he probably still wants to call up the Ex. He was apparently CRYING over the Ex. Therefore he's obviously not ready to move on, even to someone so fabulous and emotionally distant as myself. But the Rebounder has emotions I have yet to witness from my usual one-night stands. There are genuine feelings he has to get over. Someone he was with most everyday is now out of his life, except maybe (I assume) for the occasional phone call or e-mail. And even if he is trying his best to move on and get all the ass he can, I can't help but remember the framed photo of him and the Ex STILL on a shelf above his bed. I think I'm gonna have to give him some space to recover.

The Fellow Commuter

So it finally happened.

A fellow commuter hit on me on the train. It's about damn time!

I took my regular 7:44 this morning, and saw a guy (around my age) who I see most every day. Like me, he looks like he could be fun and normal but just wants to get to work. He is not particularly attractive but he isn't bad either.

Today he must have felt especially friendly. Perhaps it was the nice weather. Or that he displayed his strength and masculinity by holding the train door for me. Either way, after our 55 minute commute, he waited in his seat for me to come out of mine. Then he said hello.

No big deal, right? So we began the conversation and he asked where I worked and where I lived. I found out his name is Danny and he works at UBS. How exciting. He also commented that we're the only people our age who seem to make the treacherous commute. Hm. Since this is the case, perhaps next time I see him (this afternoon?) I should suggest we commiserate over a cocktail.

Cliche of the Day

Normally I'm not one for quotes most often found on a teenager's MySpace page. But this one popped up on my News Feed today and I thought it might be of some comfort to my fellow Single Friends.

"I'm sick of the hook-ups, the set-ups, the f*ck-ups, the guy who only wants one thing, the guy who doesn't know what he wants, the guy who does, but won't admit it...I just want the real thing."

I guess whatever teenybopper thought this one up was wise beyond her years. There are a lot of wrong ones out there. The real thing, I'm realizing, is going to take a while. And we all get frustrated from time to time, but I think it's just part of life. And actually, I'm not yet sick of the hook-ups. Those are the fun part.

Setting Your Sights

Kendall and I were recently discussing how she often goes for guys she "knows she can get". Rhonda also apparently does this. I unfortunately tend to go after a challenge. Someone who is, in some respect at least, out of my league. I could think they are really hot or sought after by other girls. Maybe it is my somewhat competitive nature. Or perhaps I am just think I'm just cooler/hotter/smarter than I am.

I'm just not sure what is better. To set the bar low? Then at least you know you'll get what you want, even if the guy is far from perfect. Maybe make him like you more than you like him. Be admired, right? Make him adore you? This actually sounds quite spectacular. But does a just-alright guy necessarily make the best boyfriend? Partner? Can you have that undeniable chemistry with someone you think is just...alright? I suppose if admiration includes showering you with gifts and attention, it'd be acceptable. But I think I might get a bit annoyed.

Maybe I'm immature, and God knows I'm not ready for a serious relationship (at least I don't think so). But the idea of getting emotionally involved with someone I think I'm "better than" doesn't seem right. And going after someone I know I can get seems dishonest. I want it to be more of an equal-liking. Kendall says people tell her boyfriend she's too good for him, which I'm sure only forces him to question himself. Or forces her to question if she's right to be with him. Who are they to judge? If she feels more comfortable with a regular guy, let it be. I may not do this myself, but each girl has their own way of choosing.

Maybe I will fall for a regular guy who will admire me much more than I do them. And perhaps if I adopt Kendall's attitude, it will happen sooner rather than later.

The Party Girl

As you may imagine after reading about a number of my semi-ridiculous adventures, I am a shameless party girl. I get sloppy drunk, say embarrassing things, stumble out of bars and tend to make bad decisions with the opposite sex as well.

I just like to have a (really, really) good time.

But I do wonder sometimes if my juvenile attitude of getting wasted and being stupid is a turn-off to guys. I do have a serious side, I just tend to hide it behind high-heels and low-cut shirts. I suppose anyone who actually got to know me would understand that. Except I still wonder if people look past this. My letting loose on Saturday night might just be too much for one to handle. Especially if the majority (or all) interaction takes place out at a bar or a party. I'm not looking to change my ways, obviously. Like I've said, ain't nobody gonna slow me down. But is there anyone who is going to try? Or am I just too much of a party girl?

The Jealous Friend

Many, dare I say most, girls are insecure about boys in some way, shape, or form. For whatever reason it may be, girls always seem to want boys to want them. And we all have different ways of showing it and acting upon our feelings. Some girls will go after what they want no matter what the repercussions. And some girls don't know what they want until someone else has it.

I was recently thinking back to when I used to hook up with/sort of a date a kid at school. It was one of those normal college situations where you hang out and such but don't actually go on dates. The two of us would often find ourselves hanging out with his roommate and another girl. This girl, to put it delicately, was very much up my ass and liked to point out our apparent similarities, many of which were far from true. In any case, she thought we were so much the same she also seemed to think it was okay to hang all over the boy I was hooking up with.

Shamelessly.

I pointed this out to him at my 21st birthday party. He laughed it off and told me he wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot pole. You see, she had even more of a penchant for frat boys than I did. She actually seemed to be proud of the fact that she'd slept with approximately ten guys in the same fraternity, some of them involved with our own sorority sisters. It's as if she liked the idea of having what someone else had. Specifically me. Constantly pointing out how much we were alike, even though I was obviously better looking and more well-liked, really got under my skin. And trying to be all over the boy? Worse. She tagged along when we hung out alone. Talk about a cock block. If I had liked her enough or didn't think she had bad intentions, I would have laughed this off. But why is it that girls like her always want what we have? Can't they go find their own boy to like? Instead of ruining my fun? I just don't get it. Yes, we have insecurities. But to make me feel insecure because she was is just plain terrible. Her jealousy was so obvious and made her such a toxic friend. I'm glad I gave her the boot and she will no longer follow me around and go after my....everything. I just hope that I no longer have to worry about psycho-jealous friends going after what I have.

Jealous friends are just such an issue when it comes to guys. If they aren't jealous that you're dating a great guy and trying to get in his pants, they whine about how much time you spend together. Going from free and single to hooking up with someone is bound to bring changes. How girlfriends handle it really shows who the true ones are.

Maybe I Don't Want A Prince At All

After pondering my own words for a bit, I realized perhaps I am not waiting for the Perfect Guy. I am not quite sure of what I want at all. And I feel like if I am always waiting for something or someone better, I might end up Waiting for Godot.

Right now, I just want to have fun. Cliche? Perhaps. But it's summer. And I'm fabulous. If some guy happens to come along and be just as great as I am, I'll give him a shot. But I'm sure not about to stop for just anyone. Maybe not even Prince Charming.

Too Self-Centered?

On Wednesday night while at the bar with some of the girls, I started talking to a boy resembling a nerdy Prince William in a patriotic tie. We were chatting about work and where we lived and things of that nature. He inquired a lot about me. After a couple drinks I was more than happy to tell him about how terribly stupid I am at work among other ridiculous, exaggerated things. The conversation was mostly focused on yours truly. When I finally asked Prince William about himself, he made sure to point out that I had yet to ask anything about him. I found out where he was from and his ethnic background. We got ready to leave a short while later and said goodbye.

Although he bought me a drink and we talked for a solid half-hour, he failed to ask for my phone number. Rather than let it go, my brazen friend Janelle told Prince William that her drunk friend (me) would regret not asking for his number myself. So she took it down. When doing so, he told her that one reason he didn't ask to exchange numbers was because he was worried I wouldn't remember his name.

Wow. So either I came across as much more drunk than I was, or he thought I was so incredibly self-absorbed that I wouldn't care to remember. I suspect it was a combination of the two. But his half-joking remark pointing out that I failed to ask about him forces me to question this. Perhaps my jokes about thinking I am fabulous and attractive were a turnoff, but I thought it was funny. Prince William seemed rather amused, enough so to buy me a drink. But not enough so to want to see me again. Maybe he thought if we saw each other, I would just blabber on about myself so much that my voice would eventually sound like fingernails slowly sliding down a chalkboard. I will have to work on finding a happy medium when it comes to my overconfidence, otherwise I'll be sending more Prince William lookalikes running.

Love Game

Games. We all play them. But why? And where do they come from? I recently thought about a game of sorts I have been playing and whether or not there is any real point.

Except I believe the game I play only exists in my feeble mind. You see, I have had a semi-secret crush on one of my friends for quite some time now. We don't see or talk to each other very often, but when we do I try to remain aloof and play hard-to-get. But since we've been friends for a while I can't imagine he cares very much if I wait an extra five minutes to text him. As a matter of fact, he probably doesn't even notice. When he comes to meet me at the bar, I don't treat him especially differently than anyone else. I am sometimes rather cold despite the fact that I want to pounce on him. Part of me gets nervous. But the other part of me does not want to give him any indication that I might think of him in a non-platonic way, since we long ago established Best Friend status. Along with this, I somehow hope this will make him find me mysteriously sexy.

Essentially, I am playing a one-sided game. Unless this Best Friend semi-secretly feels the same way I do, which I highly doubt, I am over-thinking every move I make for no real reason. I guess the hard-to-get game is one we all play, whether or not games are necessary at all.

Marisol and I were discussing games in general. While games involving jealousy or teasing are far beyond my scope of understanding, we concluded that you almost have to play hard-to-get. If a girl is constantly in contact, she comes across as clingy or needy. Marisol put it perfectly when she said that a lot of people have missed out on starting something because they are too busy trying not to text first. Boys and girls need to find the perfect balance between being overwhelming and unavailable. No one likes too clingy, but games are often a waste of time and get in the way. I suppose its much easier to figure out when both parties feel the same way.

In my case, I am not so sure since I'm pretty sure my friend is just that. My friend. I try not to play games, because I find it much easier to just put it out there. And in the grand scheme of things, they often just delay things or turn people off. But how do we tell when one is playing a game or just being themselves? This one might be far too much for me to figure out.