Double Blind

Janelle has been talking to a friend of a friend via text. They made plans to meet up last night. I think both Janelle and "Kevin" believed this might be an awkward first meeting, so they each decided to bring a friend. Always ready for an adventure and sans other plans, I excitedly agreed.

How bad could it be after all?

All I knew about the kid was that he was apparently funny and had red hair. We will call him "Doug". Janelle barely knew "Kevin" anyway, and we figured we'd save questions involving work and hobbies for the bar.

We arrived, dressed to the nines (figuring we'd want to look good if we had to escape) at a relatively casual bar. We began with a rather normal introduction. Unfortunately "Doug" was not remotely my type. Janelle lucked out, but neither seemed to be a great catch. We arrived and they'd already had three rounds, "Doug's" choice of drink being Disaronno on the rocks. Seriously? Amaretto?

I tried to think positive.

We ordered our vodka tonics for ourselves and neither guy even offered to pay. We discussed work, and mentioned our administrative jobs at pretty major financial firms. Both guys looked dumb founded and hadn't heard of either. Perplexed, I made my usual witty jokes. Few of which garnered laughs from the Red. He mostly looked confused and seriously didn't know what house music was.

One vodka tonic quickly turned into four. "Kevin" was generous enough to buy a round of shots also.

Finally we left the first bar and moved onto another with more of a party atmosphere. And an incredibly favorable girl:guy ratio.

Janelle and I ordered another drink, and "Doug" ran off to find his man crush.

YES!

Freed of this roundish and fire-colored burden, I looked around and tried to pick out someone more attractive and on my level of normalcy. I chatted it up with a few of the guys, exchanging numbers with one (a cage fighter whose abs felt rock hard through his shirt). I danced around, chugged beers with a new friend, and snapped pics of Janelle and "Kevin" making out at the bar.

At least one of us was getting lucky.

Soon after I forgot about "Doug", the lights went on and the bouncers ushered us out of the bar. I found Janelle and "Kevin" and was then forced to walk back to the car with them and "Doug".

Gag.

I tried to jump into the passengers seat as quickly as I could, but "Doug" pulled me back. He instructed me to give Janelle and "Kevin" some alone time before they left.

Gag.

He then pushed me up against a neighboring SUV and told me to kiss him. WHAT? I refused and tried moving around. He went in for the smooch, and when I pulled away, he tried again.

OHMYGOD.

Never again.