The Eye F***er

Last Sunday, I went to an indoor/outdoor bar with my cousin Frieda and her friend in celebration of the long weekend. We got there early and tried to mingle with the crowd. My cousin saw a lot of familiar faces since she runs a local grocery store/deli with my uncle. She said hello to some of them and we went on our way. To the bar, of course, where we enthusiastically accepted two rounds of drinks from my cousin's much-older man-friend. While waiting for the shots to be ordered and poured, I scanned the crowd to find the night's victim. I was disappointed with what I saw. Except when turning my head toward the bar (for the shots that had finally arrived), there was a tall, reasonably attractive guy staring right at me. I made eye contact, gave half a smile and turned back to the bar. I took my Red Headed Slut like a pro and looked up, only to see his eyes still dead locked on me. I even looked over my shoulder to see if he was checking out someone else, but no. Totally eye f---ing me.

Let's set the scene. He was standing with a guy and a girl. I tried to figure out if the girl was his girlfriend. I hoped not for two reasons. One being that eye f--ing is not something I take lightly. The other being the girl standing with him had a terribly botched nose job, which left her with an uncanny resemblance to Miss Piggy. I pointed this eye f---er out to Frieda, who confirmed that I was not imagining this. She also found it hilarious. And happened to regularly sell lunch to Eye F---er's friend.

Frieda took the reins and after quick lap, we wandered over. I forced her to introduce me to this customer and his Eye F---ing friend (and avoided Miss Piggy). I shook Eye F---er's hand and he said "Hi, I'm (whatever his name was)". And that was it.

Alright, maybe the Eye F---er wasn't interested. Or thought I looked familiar, and upon hearing my name knew I was not. Whatever it may be, he made no attempts at small talk.

After that went totally wrong (and Frieda scolded me for forcing her into a mildly awkward situation), we ran into a friend from high school's ex-boyfriend. We were catching up with him, only a few steps from the Eye F---er. Whose eyes I felt burning holes through my fabulous hair with his (still) incredibly intense stares. Seriously?

What the f--- was with the Eye F---er?! If he found me so irresistible that he couldn't stop staring, why the heck couldn't he have moved the conversation past the introduction?